Felicia Soleil's 5 Philosophies For Moving on After Divorce: #1 Forgive

I have a magnet on my refrigerator that reminds me of a simple philosophy.  It says, “Let go or be dragged.”   It expresses the old-ball-and-chain effect.  So, have you come to the place where you just can’t let go and forgive someone’s indiscretions?  Or, maybe you just can’t let yourself off the hook for your inability to be kind, or generous, or compassionate, etc. toward another at a particular moment in time?  Either way, it will cloud your good intentions moving forward.

Trust me. This. Will. Drag. You. Down. 

So much has been written about forgiving others.  The truth is, as social beings, we are not always capable of fully forgiving someone for their indiscretions. Throughout my many years of advising divorcing couples, I’ve seen that sometimes it feels easier to hold onto the grudge and treat someone poorly, punishing the offender, either overtly or passively, by withholding something the offender desires. For a brief moment of ego-driven madness, we might even think such a lack of forgiveness is “deserved” and take great pleasure in doing so. Later on, in quiet moments of reflection, we beat ourselves up over our inability to truly let go.  

However, if you’re reading this then one of your new (or not-so-new) life goals is to practice greater integrity and compassion.  You may find yourself guilt-ridden because you can’t wholeheartedly forgive another.  That’s okay, because guess what?  You are a complex human being and, like the rest of us, probably spend the majority of your time striving to do the right thing. You are not your weak moments.

Over nearly three decades of helping others through dissolution of their marriages, I’ve found the most important aspect of this philosophy is to forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself is also important when looking back at your past indiscretions.  If you can’t make amends to those you’ve wronged then forgive yourself. Perhaps promise yourself to never do that again, for you’ve learned the lesson in previously acting from a place of a lack of awareness, or a lack of experience, or just not knowing any better.

If you know in your heart you have a block that you can’t, or aren’t ready to overcome, despite your most diligent efforts, then forgive yourself and move on.  The key to this transformation of belief is your awareness of your moral dilemma and your effort to address it.    

So, by all means, authentically forgive yourself and others as soon as possible.  Despite your best efforts, if you can’t make that work, forgive yourself for that block and release it.  A fundamental peace is found in forgiving yourself for whatever you are hanging onto from your past that is preventing you from a wholehearted and soulful future.  

Let it gooooooo…....It feels so good (and you are allowed to feel good).

If you are ready to forgive and move on, not simply just move out, I will help.  Contact me.  Together we can help reduce and resolve conflict as we move through your dissolution.  

Published on July 25, 2018